For the dad doing stand-up with a soft landing
Good evening. For those who don't know me, I'm Meg's father, and for those who do know me — I apologize, the tab is not open. People warned me raising a daughter would be expensive, but nobody itemized: braces, a horse phase, three separate emergency prom dresses, and now this beautiful evening, which I'm told was a bargain. Paul, I want to formally hand over responsibilities. She is now yours to drive to the airport at 5 a.m. Godspeed. But let me say one true thing before I sit down. The night Meg told us about Paul, she talked for two hours straight and never once looked at her phone. Those of you with adult children understand: that's not interest. That's love. To Meg and Paul — may you always be that interesting to each other.
Why it works: It stacks quick, self-deprecating jokes about cost and duty, then pays off with one sincere observation — the classic funny-toast shape.
Customize it: Replace the horse phase and prom dresses with your actual itemized list — real expenses are always funnier than invented ones.